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An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hyterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "they've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."
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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night, the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
 

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Hillary Clinton died and went to St peter's office to be judged. As peter was scanning her life in the big book, she noticed all these clocks behind him, all moving at various speeds. She asked about them and he said each represents a person's life.

She pointed at one that was still and asked about it. Peter said, "that clock represents Mother Theresa. She was as perfect as human can be, that clock will never move. She was without sin"
Hillary pointed to a slow moving one. Peter explained it was Lincoln's clock, and it was moving really slow cause he DID mess up a few times, but was pretty clean.

So finally Hillary asks about Bill's Clock.
Peter goes, "Jesus has it in his office, he uses it as a ceiling fan".
 
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